two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
