Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
