We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
