I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
