NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
