Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
