this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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