I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize