Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
