i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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