yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish you could order shots online.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
