I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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