Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
