my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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