I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
