I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
