I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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