Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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