her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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