I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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