apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
