omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
