I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Life without a bra equals bliss.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
