Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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