had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
