I intend to get homeless drunk
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
