I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I didn't notice because vodka
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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