I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
