I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
