I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
