Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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