pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
