I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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