Plan B is the new Plan A
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
