There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
