i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
