omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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