my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
