Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
