I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
