Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
