Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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