Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
