guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
