just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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