She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
