so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The uberlube is also flammable
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
