This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>