Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
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It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?