Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Randomize
