She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
