Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My feet surprised me
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