ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
