When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
