When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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