textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
