She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
