my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
