Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have post one night stand depression
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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