They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
