So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
